Jeremy's family is gathering at a local restaurant after our Easter church service tomorrow. I received the email this week about when and where; when I read the email I cringed and my heart sank. No, not because of the restaurant choice but because of a memory.
I immediately thought of the last time we were there for the Easter meal. Brayden was 11 months old. I was nursing 6-7x a day for an hour at a time. We were in the battle for him to gain weight because the decision of a feeding tube was looming (he got his first feeding tube at 13 months).
That Easter, we arrived at the restaurant. It was time for Brayden to nurse, yet again. But he was asleep.
He is my third child. I have learned...do not wake a sleeping baby. Not just for his sake but mine; nursing that many times a day leaves one very hungry.
We loaded him into the stroller...still sleeping. I thought I would be able to eat quickly and then nurse him. Once we entered the restaurant, someone woke him up by poking at the sleeping baby. He woke up upset and hungry.
I scooped him up, said something not kind to those around me and stormed out to the car. I could not nurse him out in public because he did not curl into me like most babies do and required more space than a hooter hider would hide anymore.
That was a moment for me. A moment when I realized that I could not handle it anymore. I was tired. Tired of nursing, sitting in the car alone to nurse, dealing with all of his special needs, of fighting and praying for weight gain. It was a breaking point for me. I felt ugly and broken inside. I wanted to snap at everyone because they were not dealing with what I was dealing with and they did not seem to understand.
I sat in the car, angry and had a full on pity party. Easter is a family day and I was alone in the car with my broken baby and my broken spirit.
What comes to my mind? A hymn that I grew up singing on many a Easter morning.
Alfred H. Ackley, 1887 - 1960
I serve a risen Saviour; He's in the world today.
I know that He is living, whatever men may say.
I see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer,
And just the time I need Him He's always near.
He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today!
He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way.
He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart!
You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart.
In all the world around me I see His loving care,
And though my heart grows weary I never will despair.
I know that He is leading, thro' all the stormy blast;
The day of His appearing will come at last.
Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian! Lift up your voice and sing
Eternal hallelujahs to Jesus Christ, the King!
The Hope of all who seek Him, the Help of all who find,
None other is so loving, so good and kind.