Saturday, April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is Easter

Jeremy's family is gathering at a local restaurant after our Easter church service tomorrow. I received the email this week about when and where; when I read the email I cringed and my heart sank. No, not because of the restaurant choice but because of a memory.

I immediately thought of the last time we were there for the Easter meal. Brayden was 11 months old. I was nursing 6-7x a day for an hour at a time. We were in the battle for him to gain weight because the decision of a feeding tube was looming (he got his first feeding tube at 13 months).

That Easter, we arrived at the restaurant. It was time for Brayden to nurse, yet again. But he was asleep.

He is my third child. I have not wake a sleeping baby. Not just for his sake but mine; nursing that many times a day leaves one very hungry.

We loaded him into the stroller...still sleeping. I thought I would be able to eat quickly and then nurse him. Once we entered the restaurant, someone woke him up by poking at the sleeping baby. He woke up upset and hungry.

I scooped him up, said something not kind to those around me and stormed out to the car. I could not nurse him out in public because he did not curl into me like most babies do and required more space than a hooter hider would hide anymore.

That was a moment for me. A moment when I realized that I could not handle it anymore. I was tired. Tired of nursing, sitting in the car alone to nurse, dealing with all of his special needs, of fighting and praying for weight gain. It was a breaking point for me. I felt ugly and broken inside. I wanted to snap at everyone because they were not dealing with what I was dealing with and they did not seem to understand.

I sat in the car, angry and had a full on pity party. Easter is a family day and I was alone in the car with my broken baby and my broken spirit.

What comes to my mind? A hymn that I grew up singing on many a Easter morning.

He Lives!
Alfred H. Ackley, 1887 - 1960

I serve a risen Saviour; He's in the world today.
I know that He is living, whatever men may say.
I see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer,
And just the time I need Him He's always near.
He lives! He lives! Christ Jesus lives today!
He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way.
He lives! He lives! Salvation to impart!
You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart.
Stanza 2:
In all the world around me I see His loving care,
And though my heart grows weary I never will despair.
I know that He is leading, thro' all the stormy blast;
The day of His appearing will come at last.
Stanza 3:
Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian! Lift up your voice and sing
Eternal hallelujahs to Jesus Christ, the King!
The Hope of all who seek Him, the Help of all who find,
None other is so loving, so good and kind.


MrsFought said...

Thank you for this post. Though I did not nurse Matthew, there have been many times when we had to sit alone to deal with one thing or another. Reading your posts reminds me that we are not alone in this!! He lives!!!!! Have a wonderful Easter.

Shannon said...

I loved catching up with your blog tonight. I am so glad your lunch went so well!! Connections are a beautiful thing. Your most recent post brought tears to my eyes. Happy Easter, Carrie!!

littleharves said...

i just say, look at how far you have come since that day....... you are truly an amazing woman, and yes he does live, have a great easter xxx anne

Laurie said...

I am thinking of you so often these days, Carrie. This post brought tears to my eyes, too, and I will think of you and your family tomorrow during our Easter service.

The VW's said...

I've had a few days like the one that you described.....unfortunately, pity parties are a must sometimes!

Hope this year's Easter lunch is better!

I love that song! Knowledge like this makes all of our troubles and bad days bearable!

Have a Blessed Easter! Love and Hugs!!!

Abby said...

I hope you and your family have had a blessed Easter this year.

April said...


Melissa said...

You are never alone. I love the song you posted.

Wherever HE Leads We'll Go said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I did not nurse, but have had those moments where you feel so totally alone and frustrated that you cannot do one thing or another. Thank you for your honesty. You are not alone in what you are feeling because other moms have been there too. And more importantly, you are not alone because He lives. He has conquered far more than we ever have to face and He is with us every step of the way!