I have to say, I have held off writing a new blog entry because the previous post is still so special. Anyway, here we go…
This week has brought heavy conversations and new questions.
My grandfather, Grampy as we call him, has been fighting the effects of Parkinson’s disease for sometime now. The last several months have really taken a toll on his body and mind. My grandmother, Grammy, is exhausted from driving back and forth to the nursing home, making medical decisions and being there for him. She and I have shared many a similar conversations about Grampy and Brayden. They have similar types of therapies and dependence on other people. Their minds are desperately trying to communicate with their bodies but the brain is not always making the connections.
Grammy asked me this week, “What do you do when you feel so discouraged?” At first I did not know how to answer that question. I really am a the-glass-is-half-full person. After some thought, I realized that it is all about surrendering. I do not mean giving in to the disease or problems. I mean surrendering to the fact that we do not have control over the situations. It is complete and utter dependence on God. I have no control over what happened to Brayden or how his brain may develop. Of course we do all we can to give him the best possible chance. But the situation is out of our control. Jeremy and I have handed him over to the Lord. It is quite freeing and comforting knowing that there is a grand design and plan for Brayden. To be perfectly honest, I may not like the plan (hospital stays, seizures, vomiting, procedures…) but it is out of my hands. I am still trusting the plan.
We try to make the best decisions possible for Brayden and pray that we are lead to make the right decision. Just a few weeks ago we were wrestling with the idea that Brayden may need to get a J-tube. Still on the way to the hospital, I was not sure about it. I felt like I need some confirmation that it was the right decision. As we were driving to the hospital, Brayden vomited all of his food. Not something that I wanted him to do but a clear sign that he needed the J-tube.
Surrender is hard. It first glance it seems as though you are waving the white flag and giving in. The truth is surrender shows us our humanity and that we cannot do everything. Brayden’s brain abnormalities happened without explanation, even from the best doctors. Parkinson’s disease happens without explanation. We are fighting this seemingly gigantic uphill battle, pushing Brayden up the mountain. Grammy is fighting a downhill battle with Grampy that is rolling down faster and faster. Different sides of the mountain, fighting the effects of brain problems. It is not our strength that will help us, is it strength from God.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear…The Lord Almighty is with us. Psalm 46:1-2, 7
Back to the question, “What do I do when I am discouraged?” I surrender.
A link to the hymn "I surrender All" performed by a former Backstreet Boy for fun!