Scared

I figured this would be an appropriate blog for this time of year…Halloween. I actually enjoy being scared, well kind of. I watch scary movies but I prefer them to be on TV so I can turn the channel. I like the haunted houses, campfire stories and a good scary book that I can close when I want or flip ahead to check things out. I can feel my heart beating a little faster when I get scared.

The past week, I have been experiencing a new kind of scare. I am scared for Brayden. Since he was born, I have never really been scared. I have been concerned, anxious or worried but never really scared. All of those feelings pass, sometimes in just a moment. I do not feel scared everyday but lately I lay in bed with my thoughts, my heart beating faster…

I am not really sure why I have been feeling this way. It could be because we have yet to find a good answer for the vomiting. One doctor told us that we can do our best to control the vomiting but it might be something we have to live with. Live with?! I accept a lot of things about Brayden but I will not accept this, I cannot accept this. Maybe I am scared we have to.

Brayden is starting to understand things a little more each day. Some days I feel like he seems uncomfortable just being Brayden or unsure of what is happening to him or why things are a struggle. Does he have any idea that things are so hard for him? I don’t want him to know, I am scared for him to know.

I have been reading many blogs on and off the past year about families and their special needs children (sorry I was lurking, never quite knew what message to write). A couple of them have lost their children in the past few months, several have been in and out the hospital. That scares me. Our situations are very different but similar. Brayden is not in any danger but some days I just feel scared. Scared that I have no idea what lies ahead.

Last week he vomited blood a couple of times. The vomiting looks and sounds awful. I can do nothing to help him, just try to comfort him. Every morning, I hold my breath before I walk in to his room not knowing what I will find. I am scared about what I might find.

This scare is deep down, it maybe feelings about Brayden that I have not addressed yet. The past six months have been really hard and it seems as though each month brings another challenge for him.

I am his mom. I want to protect him. I am scared that I cannot.

My head tells me
Be strong and courageous…Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you… 1 Chr 28:20
If only the rest of me will listen.