Birthday, Five years

Yesterday I was driving around to pick up little items to make Brayden's birthday special.
Things to decorate his wheelchair and flashy buttons to wear for school.
Then of course a cake, that only Carter and Luke will eat (and Jeremy is out of town).

Last night Carter and Luke wrapped the presents...not pretty and a mess of tape but they wrapped them with love.

Carter and Luke decided to hide the presents around the first floor.  Carter and Luke wheeled Brayden around for a scavenger hunt to gather his presents today.

As I was driving around yesterday, I was thinking...which usually means emotions are bubbling to the surface.  I was thinking about 5 years.  In some way, I never thought to his fifth birthday; never projecting much into the future.  Maybe, on some level I worried that he would not make it to his fifth birthday.  Or maybe, five years old really means being little boy...while his development is still infantile (although his personality is showing to be much more of a five year old, very opinionated with what he likes and what he does not).  Five years means my baby is not a baby, not even a toddler.  

Five years of this.  How many hospital stays in five years?  Seizures (I am too scared to tally up this number)?  ER trips?  Doctor appointments?  Panicked days and nights?  The stress, pain, suffering, etc.

While I can quickly drum up the feelings of sadness over the past five years, the emotion that rises above all that is joy.  I really cannot imagine what the past five years would have been without him.  How much these five years have changed and shaped our lives, really defined who I am, what I truly believe, really if I have the fight or flight attitude (fight, by the way)...all along the way knowing the God has a plan.  Finding a entirely new level of love for my husband and boys; how much I absolutely adore, cherish and love Brayden.

My Grammy called me this morning.  She always likes to take a trip down memory lane...the memory of Brayden's actual day of his birthday.  In those moments of finding out his troubles, I could barely see the next day, let alone his imagine his fifth birthday.  And to be honest I do not let myself go back to those first days, moments of holding my baby not knowing what the future would bring and the doctors giving such grim hope.


I do know that God protects me from seeing the future. Little by little we deal with this and we deal with that...sometimes troubles come in a light rain and other times it feels like a monsoon.  I do not think about Brayden's future in the way I think about Carter and Luke; imagining what sports they will play, what college they will attend, even how their voice will sound when they are older (if you have talked to Luke, then you know why I imagine this).  For Brayden, I can plan out appointments but thinking too far ahead is just not possible.

What would I tell myself five years ago?  Would I want to know?  (I have answer for these questions but that is a separate blog for another day)

Brayden is five years old.  This little boy has changed us for a lifetime in just five years.  The word joy has taken on a whole new and deeper meaning.  We are happy to celebrate his five years!