Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gut Check

Do not worry I am not talking about my actual gut or Brayden’s, although I considered taking a picture. I am talking about mother’s intuition, knowing something in you gut. When I had Carter and Luke, I quickly found out that mommy knows best. I could tell when they just had a cold or it was turning into something bigger. I felt confident going to the doctor and letting them know that my child was sick. I just knew it in my gut. Dropping them off at preschool for the first time, I just knew that they were going to be just fine; in fact better than fine, they were going to love it. When Luke was born, he did not gain weight for the first few weeks, the doctors labeled him “failure to thrive”. I knew in my gut that he was just fine. Luke was sent to a couple of specialists, one was a cardiologist. Luke had/has a couple of very small heart problems. I knew in my gut everything was going to work out just fine for him and it did. He gained weight, the heart problems took care of themselves and he definitely is our thriving boy now.

My gut does not seem to do so well with Brayden. I was talking with a friend yesterday, who has a daughter with similar conditions to Brayden’s (do not worry I will be talking about them in a future blog). She asked how Brayden was doing. I explained that when Brayden was sick it just seemed to be a little virus. Of course the seizures complicate things, but for the most part he was sick just like any other child. I was saying that my gut is just so off because I do not know what to do when he is sick or who to even call. I cannot tell if it may be a little cold or turning into something bigger. I am constantly second guessing myself. My friend was saying that she felt the same way sometimes but figured out why. She found that so many doctors (and they see more than we do) ask question after question, looking for explanations or answers. They ask typical questions, deep questions, absurd questions but all the meanwhile leaving us with more questions about our own child. We are constantly face to face with doctors asking us more and more questions. Sometimes making us feel as though we do not know what we are doing or that we may not know our child as much as we think we do. Of course that is not the case because the doctors are looking to us to assist in answering many of those questions.

That makes sense to me but I feel like my gut has been off from the beginning. Those first few days after Brayden was born, he was taken away for some tests. I just knew deep down that he was just fine and that the tests really were going to show that he was healthy and it was just precautionary. Boy was I wrong. The following months of test and doctors, I felt hopelessly optimistic walking in to the building, thinking that things for Brayden were going to get better but instead walk out with another thing to add to his list of problems. My gut was way off!

Sitting here thinking about it now, I am wondering if the “everything is going to be just fine” feeling in my gut was the whisper of the Lord letting me know that everything will be just fine, not in the perfect, healthy baby way but in the way that Brayden, our family, will be just fine and we can handle this.

As for my gut, I am learning to trust it. Jeremy and I really do know Brayden and what works. We are constantly learning his likes, dislikes, understanding his cries and of course when he is hungry…we have to fill his gut.

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