Exhaustion

If I am still moving as fast as I can, have I reached the point of exhaustion yet? Tired, no time for that; exhausted…probably if I sat down for a moment but no time for that. Since Brayden was born I have been moving as fast as I can. Every day has something planned. The days that we are actually home I am moving I fast as I can to play catch up. The past six weeks, Brayden had more than 20 appointments and we even cancelled some because of his surgery. Since Brayden just turned one, we had to make the rounds to each specialist we have seen over the past year and some new ones. Amazingly, we see all of these doctors and Brayden is, for the most part, healthy!

Now things would be a bit smoother if he was our only child. Thankfully we have Carter and Luke with lots of “normal” activities to provide some fun and excitement during the week. We do our best to keep the chaos and running around to doctors from affecting them. So we pack up bags, books, snacks, and more to send them to someone’s house or tag along to another appointment. Luke, our three year old, will go and go until he is exhausted. We know when he is exhausted because he fusses, cries and has a meltdown (we do our best to keep him from the point of exhaustion). There are days when I envy that, I am tired, I want to fuss at everyone, cry and have a melt down but no time for that.

Is sleep the cure for exhaustion? Probably not but at least it helps a bit. When I pull the covers over my head at night I am sure that I am exhausted. It is like the days of being at the beach floating in the waves for hours then getting into bed at night and still feeling the motion. Unfortunately my motion is not as calming as the seas. I cannot surrender to the exhaustion. I am a bit afraid of what may happen if I give in to the exhaustion. Will I curl up into a ball and weep for days? But of course, there is no time for that.

My mom just asked me if I was tired. I replied that I would be tired when all of this was over. Just get through the next set of appointments. I meant the next couple of days but really I am not sure when all of this will be over. I know that over time we will not need to see so many doctors but Brayden’s condition and needs are not really changing so he needs lots of care. I love to care for him and be the best mommy I can to him but sometimes it is exhausting.

Well, I have to go, running to another appointment. I cannot think about exhaustion anymore for fear that it might happen…no time for that.