Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Burst my bubble

I find myself watching my boys grow up and thinking that I want them to stay in that sweet innocent bubble.  A bubble that protects their innocence and protects them from the things that can go oh-so wrong in the world.  But I realized that I too had my own bubble.  A bubble that burst when Brayden was born.

My bubble - Bad things don't happen to me.  Sure life is not perfect and I will have hard times but really bad things do not happen to me.  This does not happen to me, let alone happen to my baby.

Yes, I do know that bad things happen and could happen to me.  I just did not think that it would actually happen (I know naive).  It was almost like you could hear the bubble burst as the doctor delivered the first news about Brayden's brain.
Your son is missing part of his brain.  POP.           How could this happen to my baby? POP.

That pop and burst got to the core of me.  My core was shaken.  I did not know heartache like this, fear like this, motherly love and hurt like this...I did not know this could happen to me, to my baby.  This happened to other people, not me.

I can see it now in retrospect.  At the time, I felt like I was dealing with it (and we were) but my bubble was burst.  The burst came hard, fast and leaving a mess.  My view of the world changed.  My picture perfect family changed.  My goals for my family changed.  My priorities changed.  What I thought happiness and joy should be, changed.  My life was forever changed.

It clearly was for the better.  The process has been ugly but our Heavenly Father knows what He is doing.  He gave us the strength in the midst of the mess.  In it I found joy, a deep joy.

So my bubble was burst and I am still wading through it.  As I have said before this is not some period of time or trial to get through, this is what our life is now...burst bubble and all.


Wherever HE Leads We'll Go said...

I completely understand what you are saying. When I was pregnant with Emily I was just so thrilled to finally be having a baby that I never ever thought about all the things that could happen. I had no reason to doubt that I would have a healthy baby and take him/her home after a few days at the hospital. Then she was born and she wasn't breathing. And then she started having seizures and spent 6 weeks in the NICU before we could take our baby home. We were completely blindsided and we are forever changed by that experience. I too, believe it is for the best. God certainly was not surprised by Emily's diagnosis - He has a plan for her and knows that she has been created exactly as He intended. It was not something that I would have ever asked for, but the joy that has come along the way is beyond anything I could have imagined. We have all grown through this experience. We have learned things that we would not have learned any other way. God is so amazing - He definitely knows what He is doing!

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if you will read this because it's such an old post, but I felt compelled to write because I am so touched by your blog. This entry really spoke to me. My son experienced the same things at birth as Emily did, the previous commenter. He stopped breathing and had seizures. He was only in the NICU for a week, though. He was on phenobarbital for 9 months, though. He also had an MRI, and a spinal tap. He does not have cerebral palsy, but now that he is older we believe he is autistic, though we haven't been able to get him properly diagnosed yet. He is in ABA therapy and we are trying to get started on speech therapy, though it's so expensive and not covered by our insurance. You are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your beautiful family with the world and helping moms of special needs children feel that their feelings are shared.