Seeing Him

Brayden is blind.  This was devastating news for me when he was just a tiny baby.  Amongst all of the other diagnoses that Brayden has been given over the years, being blind seemed to upset me in a different way.  The medical things were all upsetting and scared me but being blind too...

I worried that I would not be able to connect with him.  Looking into my boys' eyes is something special...looks and connections that only moms have can with their children, without saying a word.

Many times over the years, I wondered if Brayden had a connection to me, as his mother.  Yes, he knew I could comfort him, take care of him but could he feel my love?....which was hard for me to know since he cannot reciprocate love in a typical obvious way.

I love him deeply.  But this past few months it has become even deeper.  I am seeing him more.  Seeing his personality, seeing and feeling his connection to me.  His love for his brothers and daddy (although he has always loved to cuddle with his daddy).  I can finally say that I feel connected with him.

He has really matured the past few months.  With this maturing, I have been able to connect with him more.  I miss him terribly when he is at school, whereas the school time in the past was a nice respite for me.  And he has been doing really well at school this year so for once I am not worrying the entire time he is at school that he is miserable.

He is more content these days; spending less time being upset.  He is not as miserable, not as disrupted constantly by seizures, not recovering from ER trip or hospital stay.  He is able to just be himself more.  I can see his personality more and more, beyond him showing us his dislikes (which seemed like everything for a while, other than his bed).

Little things his does makes me laugh and warms my heart.  Seeing the tiny accomplishments he makes, like his hands and arms being more active and intentional.  Even his facial expression are great!  He just cracks me up because he can act like such a grouchy old man.
This day, I opened the blinds in his room so he would start waking up a bit (light does bother him a bit).  Well, apparently he was going back to sleep and he figured out how to make it happen...

The little stinker got his arm up and over his eyes to block out the light from the windows.  I have NEVER seen him do this.  I had NO idea he could do this.  Oh I just wanted to squeeze this cuteness!

Then there is football, he is not a football fan (a post about that later).  This day, he was exhausted after the football games, he passed out asleep after a big stretch and apparently too tired to complete the stretch and he left his arms extended.

I think he was trying to make a point that football was too much for him...