Thursday, May 3, 2012

I am having a pity party kind of day

I am irritated, frustrated, disappointed, etc.
I do not have the luxury to do as a I please.

the construction leaves lots of dust.
I sit here this morning and wait for the workers to come.  Brayden's room is making great progress and it is exciting to see the room come together.  The house is covered in dust, yet I know that it is temporary and it doesn't really bother me (only when I realized yesterday that I sat on a stool with my dark jeans and ended up with a dusty white bum).  The room will be a great and welcomed change.  It may be my new favorite room in the house.

With that said I am frustrated.  Yet again, I wait for workers.  Yet again, my plans are canceled because people were supposed to be here between 8-9 a.m. and no one has come.  I finally, for the first time in years, signed up for Bible Study at my church.  The first time in years that I have done something for myself.  This year I have missed so many of the study days because my time and my schedule is dictated by everyone else (appointments, meetings, etc.).  The first plans to get changed to make things work, is mine.

My time is not my time.  My schedule is centered around everyone else.  I do not want to get resentful towards others and especially not Jeremy.  But even he can go hunting, watch TV or just sit outside to relax (and he does work crazy hours with lots of travel now).

What do I do for myself?

The one and only consistent thing I do is from 8-9 p.m. every night.  That is precious time to me.  I finally get to sit down and do nothing (I do not even want to fold laundry during this time).  One should NEVER bother me during this hour.  It is the one and only thing I get consistently to myself.

Still that is not enough.  I have moments (like today) when I am on the verge of tears because I feel like I am loosing myself.  I get swallowed up in the craziness, needs, priorities of everyone else.  And some how I am the one who needs to make everything happen.  I am feeling selfish because I want to be a priority.

Yes, I love being a mom and wife.  Yes, I have to do these things.  Yes, on most days it does not bother me.  Yes, I know I need to do more for myself, but how? I feel like if I do make plans, then it leads to disappointment...way too many times of plans gone arwy.  I guess I should just be happy with the moments I do get.  But today, I am having a pity party.


Leighann said...

I relate so much to your rant. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Be still. HE will carry you even through today, even through the frustration. Let the Spirit calm you. This too will pass.

Courtney said...

precious words from 2 of my favorite people.

i get so much of your frustrations, carrie! how i YEARN for QUIET! (why did God choose to give someone that LOVES quiet 6 kids??)

and leighann's words ring true.

and He cares. He cares that we are frustrated. and He's there to carry us through. and He loves us no matter what.

Demorest Designs said...

You are such a beautiful person and I hope that you know that tomorrow as our family celebrates Mother's Day we will be thinking and praying for you. That you have an extra special day in some little way or another and get a bit of time for yourself, because to me you are the picture of a selfless mother who gives every bit of herself for the ones she loves. Yes, you might have a pity party every now and then but you give so much and it is inspiring to those around you. Miss you but your family is always close to our heart and in our prayers. Be encouraged today for this too shall pass. =) Beth