Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Done having children?

Before our families freak out or I freak Jeremy out...we are not having any more kids. I have no, I mean no, desire to be pregnant again. Pregnancy is not fun for me, I do not enjoy quality time with the toilet or an IV bag.

So what is this post all about then?

How did you know when you where done having children?

I go through purging moods every few months. I clean out the house of things we no longer use, need, want, or grown out of. I have a rule of...If we did not use it this past year, it's gotta go.

This month, I tackled all of those clothes. Tubs and tubs of clothes. Having three boys is great for hand-me-downs. However I still have had all of the clothes Brayden has grown out of. I sat for a few days sorting through all the baby items, feeling extremely nostalgic. I seem to have an emotional attachment to some of these clothes. I kept several outfits: their coming home from the hospital outfit to the outfits from our visits to the White House. The rest I sorted to pass on to a family in need and to Salvation Army.

It all made me sad.

I cannot believe we are done having children.

Very early on, Jeremy and I talked about adoption, usually international adoption. This may be a surprise to some of our family because we only talked about it with a few people.

We thought that adoption might be something we would do to grow our family. At various points in our marriage we talked about it, then about it more seriously, then not for awhile. All the while still a possibility.
This past winter Jeremy and I went to dinner at a little restaurant in Purcellville called Magnolias. Jeremy and I talked about adoption again. He told me that the door on adoption had closed for him, meaning not something he could see us doing. Practically I agreed with him but my heart had not settled on it.

I just really thought that God had special plans for our family and that included adoption, especially since it had always been a part of our discussion on having a family.

As time passes, Brayden's long term needs are becoming more apparent and we are settling in to our lives having three busy boys, I realize that adoption is not something that is going to happen.

The morning I finished up sorting through all of the baby things, I sat on my bed and got a little weepy; sad that we will not be adopting and we are done having children. I said a quick prayer for those who are and the children that need to be. Then I checked my email, a friend announced that they were adopting from Rwanda. I shed some tears in excitement for them and some because it wasn't us. I am thrilled for them but it really made me realize as I was reading her email the day that I was getting rid of our baby items, adoption is not our path.

God had a special child for us. I thought it would be through adoption instead it has been through Brayden (and of course Carter and Luke).

I honestly cannot imagine having four children. I just cannot help but think how do you know when you are done having children?


Courtney said...

carrie...i know a lot of the emotions you're feeling...i've felt different degrees of them over the years as we processed through where we were/are.

and you just need to keep working through it. God makes everything clear as time goes on...even if it's slightly fuzzy or confusing at some points.

my mom has always told me {when i've asked her, "how will i know i'm done?" that you'll just KNOW. i "knew" i was done after i had bailey. then REALLY "knew" i was done after sawyer! and here we are, adopting 2 more. but, THEN we're done. for sure :-)

i don't know the answer.
so, i'll just say what my mom does.

you'll know.

Andrea said...

I think that you can feel like your heart is closed to things and God can open that back up over time. Things may seem overwhelming at the moment because of Brayden's needs but maybe as he gets older and Carter and Luke get older, God may vey well open your's and Jeremy's hearts to adoption again. I don't think we can ever say "never" with God. (Like, Tim and I both NEVER wanted more than 2 children but God certainly had other plans for us.)

Michelle said...

It is so hard letting go of a dream and I don't think the longing for children ever goes away. I think that as mom's in our hearts we love the baby stage and the love and joy we have from children. I'm with you pregnancy is awful and we are done with 4, never in my wildest dream that I ever think I would have 4 but this is what God has chosen for us and he chose you guys as parents for Brayden so though you may feel like you are done having children physically and practically your heart because you are an amazing mom will always have a nurturing side of you. That's God's plan for you.