Thursday, September 5, 2013

I may be a mess...

Tomorrow is big.

Really big.

It is Jill's House time.

And my heart is racing.

Brayden's will be checking in to Jill's House for the first time tomorrow night.  He will be there from 5:30 Fri evening till 5:30 Sun evening...all weekend.  Lots of paperwork and planning have been done to prepare for this weekend.

In case you don't remember, Jill's House is an overnight respite facility for kids with special needs.  It is a beautiful place.  We have been calling it "camp" for Brayden and the boys.  Brayden will be there all weekend.  Originally we planned to have him stay his first time for Jeremy and I get away for the weekend (actually stay away from the house and stay in the closest hotel to Jill's House).  We were not able to pull that off this summer so Brayden is staying there while we go about our regular fall weekend of sports, church, etc.

I have NEVER been home without Brayden, unless he has been in the hospital.  And I really don't want to be at home with out him, it will feel empty and I will feel lost.

I know he will be well taken of during his stay but I cannot help but feel guilt.  I don't like feeling like we need respite from him.  And he has had a hard start to school this week, will this be too much?  I barely like him going to school but I know it will benefit him.  Sending him this weekend feels heavy on my heart.  I know that being at home with his family is where he loves to be, why would I send him away from that? Will he learn to love Jill's House as well?  I don't want him to feel lost, abandoned, confused, upset, lonely, scared...I can go on.

He has no idea what this weekend will bring and I have no idea what he will understand.  I pray that he feels loved, spoiled and able to enjoy his stay.  But I am a mess thinking about him there and it doesn't help it is the first week of school so I miss having all my boys home, it is pms, I have terrible poison ivy that is bring treated with prednisone that seems to give me anxiety (does this do this to anyone else?), then Brayden is going to Jill's House for the first time and Jeremy leaves for a trip this weekend...all to equal a lot of nervous energy on my part and restless sleep.  I cannot even begin to share the dreams I have been having about Brayden.

So if you think about us this weekend please pray for Brayden, for his first big adventure.  For his momma and her big worries...


Anonymous said...

i'm sure brayden will be spoiled silly at jill's house!! he'll think he's on vacation. and, you're not abandoning him -- you're recharging, so you can be an even better mom! everyone needs that time. you fight and advocate for him all the time, now is your time to recharge your battery. use the weekend to spoil the others, take a bubble bath, listen to music and relax.

...and YES, prednisone causes all sorts of crazy emotions - anxiety, nervousness, feels like a neverending dose of PMS. if it's bad, the dr can give you an antianxiety medication, or benedryl might help knock you out. hopefully it's a quick dose and your poison ivy is getting better.

The Henrys said...

I have been in your shoes before. A year ago, I was sending Gracie away for the first night at a respite house. I was a wreck, didn't want to it, but we all needed it.

I had the same worries you do, I didn't want her to feel like I was abadoning her, I didn't want her to be scared, all the same feelings you have.

It was very hard, but I kept sending her about once a month. I sobbed every single time I left her. Sometimes, as I got her stuff ready to go, I sobbed through that as well.

Once I realized that by her going to respite for one or two nights a month, it equals to only about 12-24 days per year. That's not a lot at all!!

I also realized that it's hard on my whole family every day, and if it has to be hard on Gracie for 12-24 days a year, then that is okay.

It's no different than when I send Caleb to grandma's house for the night, or when he goes to a friend's house. It's something kids get to do as they grow up, and I want her to experience that as well.

I took all the steps I could to ensure her safety, and I got a one on one to be with her the whole time she is there, usually one of the girls that come to our home so she knows and loves them. They help her go to bed just like she does here at home.

It does get easier. It's still hard, but I just keep telling myself that it's good for all of us to have this time. When Gracie comes home, we'll all be rested and able to take better care of her. I love the extra snuggles I get when she comes home!

My email is on my blog. Feel free to email me if you need to over the weekend. Have a great time and enjoy yourself and your family!